On My Mind
The following is just a random stream of thought that I can't keep inside my head...***
I taught my dance class last night at Sierra Studios and one of my students just seemed different and special to me (not different or special like she's slow or has downsyndrome). Monique is about 13yrs old and she took my two week hip-hop class. She's what my dance friends would call a non-mover. She had never taken a dance class and was very nervous the first day. Her "mother" seemed very encouraging and supportive and I said Monique, you'll be just fine I promise :-) She's a sweet girl. Very quiet. Small frame and timid. But you could tell that she wanted to learn, wanted to move and express herself. It was a challenge the first class to get her to mimick me. I did my best to attend to her as well as the other girls who were regulars at the studio. But it all worked out. And by the last class (last night) she had come out of her shell. She was smiling more, she was picking up movement better and when I called her name she said Here! with confidence. After every class I made it a point to hug her and say you did so good today. Aren't you proud of yourself? She would shake her head yes and smile.
Well, after class the owners, Susan and Jim, told me that Monique is from a SHELTER!!!!!! She is an abused child!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could not believe it. I just plopped down in the chair with mouth open and started to tear up. I knew that girl was special I said. I knew it. Susan said that the "mother" is not her mother but a volunteer at the shelter. Wow. The woman called a few weeks ago asking about classes for the summer. She told Susan all about Monique and how much she loved to dance around. But they couldn't afford the classes.
Well Susan (and this is why I loooove this studio so freakin' much because they're good kind hearted people) let Monique take class for FREE/schoalrship. And if she wants to come in the Fall she'll let her come on scholarship!!
After I said ohmigosh about 15 times, we three talked about how much Monique had improved over just FOUR ONE HOUR CLASSES. I mean a whole nother little girl.
I am so moved for so many reasons. First, I'm glad that I didn't find out the she was from the shelter until after the camp. That way I didn't single her out or anything. Second, I am touched by the generousity of Susan and Jim Pallas. Third, I am honored that I was able to bring dance into her life and let her have an escape even if only for 4 hours. Lastly, I am so proud of this girl for going in there not knowing anyone, learning something new and embracing it. She is obviously more confident and comfrotable with her body which is a big deal being a child of abuse.
Wow. That is why I teach. That is why I love the art of dance. This is my purpose.
***
It's no secret that I too am a child of sexual abuse. I've written about it in poems, I talk about it openly- I am not ashamed. I know that I am stronger because of it. I know that I have touched others with my poem "A Comfortable Quiet" and that makes me stronger because of it. I know that we are all here for a reason and that I did not stumble upon dance or poetry....I feel so blessed to have been able to use my gifts and my childhood to connect with others- family and strangers. I am truly moved by this little girl Monique.
***
First time mom jitters. I have them. I go from super elated to how the hell am I going to do this? Will I be able to get through labor okay? Will panic set it? That's my biggest fear. That my Panic Attack Disorder will strike and I'll lose all control. I want to be present and take in eveything and sometimes it's hard to stay positive. But that's normal right? Cuz there's times when I feel like, You got this girl. You're so ready, you're so in the right place and frame of mind. You'll be fine. But that's normal right? But also, what the heck is normal anayways??? I do know that I am over the moon with this pregnancy. It's all I've wanted and now that it's here...it's like Whoa. God thinks I'm worthy to be a mom? He thinks I'm okay? I've rid myself of my demons and dysfunction? I'm not lost like I thought I was some years ago? I'm not depressed anymore? I'm really a functional member of society who is and can balance this great blessings and task of being a mother??? Yes. I am. I just have to take it one day at a time right? As I'm writing this I hear my Grama's voice in the background....Tiffie, you've got to give it God. You've got trust in you. Everything happens for a reason....I hear ya Grama. All day I hear you.
***
I see that this post is a little on the down side. Sorry. Here's a pick me up.
I need maternity underwear. Yup. It's time. The undies I have on today are horrible. They feel like they're three sizes too small (although they didn't feel like that this morning when I put them on) and the elastic in digging into my skin and expanding belly. It's all I can do from taking them off and throwing them in the trash can. I would if I wasn't wearing a damn skirt-rats! Michael called and he said well it's Thrusday, go online to Target and see if undies are all sale and we'll get you some. Sorry but am I the only one that finds that hilarious?
***
I dream of baby furniture. I'm really really really looking forward to fixing up the baby room (but we need to move first). I see light yellows and blues, clean white linen curtians, the baby's name stenciled above the door, a basinet, a glider next to the window so I can breastfeed and and feel the wind on us in the afternoon, one of those lights that has the moving mural inside of it so the shapes and pictures rotate on the wall. Oh I can't wait to do it up. A sweet little room for a sweet little baby. Who are you little baby? 7 more days...
***
Okay I think I'll stop. Thanks for reading my thoughts :-)
posted by tiff @ 9:08 AM
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